Crisis Intervention Services - Domestic assault

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Domestic Abuse

What is Domestic Abuse?

Domestic abuse happens between people in intimate relationships. It is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another through emotional attack, fear, and/or intimidation. Domestic abuse, or battering, often includes the threat or use of violence. This violence is a crime.

Abuse is not mutual and is not a couple's quarrel. Disagreements happen occasionally in all relationships, but battering invades every aspect of a relationship with fear and control.

How to Recognize Domestic Abuse

A person who is being battered may:

Worry that their partner will be jealous.
Be afraid of their partner's temper.
Go along with anything their partner says or does.
Avoid family and/or friends.
Have low self-esteem.
Apologize a lot for their partner's behavior.
Let their partner make all the decisions.

A person who is battering may:

Be very jealous.
Have a bad temper.
Have difficulty showing feelings other than anger.
Sulk silently or go into a rage when upset.
Threaten to hurt themselves, their partners, or the children.
Criticize and put their partner down, especially in front of others.
Believe that women are not as good as men.
Break things and/or abuse pets.
Control all the money.
Drink heavily or use other drugs.
Throw things at their partner, hit shove, or kick them.

Domestic Abuse Notice
Iowa Code Sec. 236.12

You have the right to ask the Court for the following help on a temporary basis:

Keeping your attacker away from you, your home, and your place of work.
The right to stay at your home without interference from your attacker.
Getting custody of children and obtaining support for yourself and your minor children if your attacker is legally required to provide such support.
Professional counseling.

You have the right to file criminal charges for threats, assaults, or other related crimes.

You have the right to seek restitution from your attacker for harm to yourself or your property.

If you are in need of medical treatment, you have the right to request that the officer present assist you in obtaining transportation to the nearest hospital or otherwise assist you.

If you believe that the police protection is needed for your physical safety, you have the right to request that the officer present remain at the scene until you and other affected parties can leave or until safety is otherwise ensured.

You May be a victim of Domestic Violence

If your partner. . .

hits, kicks, or shoves you
uses his/her temper, jealous rages or anger to frighten you
isolates you from your support system
calls you names, puts you down, or plays mind games
controls access to money, food, and necessities
forces sex against your will

Dating Violence

What is Dating Violence

Abuse in dating relationships is defined as "a pattern of repeated actual or threatened acts that physically, sexually, or verbally abuse a member of an unmarried heterosexual or homosexual couple in which one or both partners is between thirteen and twenty years old.

One out of ten high school students and 22 percent of college students experience physical violence in dating relationships.
Abuse is more likely in serious, rather than casual, dating relationships among high school and college students.
Abuse in dating relationships is not a new social problem; it has been reported as early as 1957.
Twenty percent of female homicide victims are between the ages of 15 and 24. Typically, investigations reveal patterns of control and physical abuse.
Many teenagers believe that jealousy, possessiveness, and abuse are 'normal' in intimate relationships.
Teen dating violence is also attributable to stereotyped patterns of dominance and passivity.
Pregnant teenagers, racial minorities, and gay and lesbian youth are especially at risk for relationship violence.

Are You in an Abusive Dating Relationship?

Are you dating someone who:

Is jealous and possessive toward you, won't let you have friends, or checks up on you?
Tries to control you, is bossy, gives orders, makes all the decisions?
Is scary or threatens you?
Is violent or loses their temper quickly?
Pressures you for sex, is forceful or scary with sex, thinks women are sex objects, tries to manipulate you into having sex by saying things like "If you really loved me you would. . . "?
Abuses alcohol or drugs and pressures you to use them?
Blames you when they mistreat you? Says you provoked them, made them do it?
Has a history of bad relationships and blames other people for all the problems?
Believes that men should be in control and powerful and women should be passive an submissive?
Makes your family or friends worry about your safety?

If you answered yes to several of these questions, chances are you're in an abusive relationship. Call Crisis Intervention Services.

Individual Rights in a Dating Relationship

To refuse a date without feeling guilty
To say no to physical closeness
To end a relationship
To have friends other than your dating partner
To participate in activities that don't include your dating partner
To have your own feelings and be able to express them
To check your actions and decisions to determine whether they are good or bad for you
To set limits--to say yes or no or to change your mind
To have your limits, values, feelings, and beliefs respected
To say 'I love you' without having sex
To be heard; to communicate clearly and honestly
To be yourself, even if it is different from everyone else or from what others want you to be
To ask for help when you need it

Children and Domestic Violence

Domestic violence affects children from every income level, race, and religion. They witness violence in their homes and are the direct target of violence. Regardless of the situation, violence takes a tremendous toll on a child's physical and mental health. Seeing violence often leads to violence and can last for generations. Children in violent homes, often experience danger, chaos, fear and tension, confusion, isolation, and hopelessness. They are confused by the actions of the people that they love most. There are both immediate and long-term effects of domestic violence on children.

Emotionally

Guilt, feeling responsible
Shame--this doesn't happen to anyone else
Fear of expressing feelings
Confusion--conflicted loyalties
Anger about the violence and chaos
Depression
Powerless to change things
Grief of family losses

Physically

Somatic complaints--headaches, stomach aches, asthma, colds, flu
Nervous, anxious
Tired, lethargic (seemingly lazy)
Neglects personal hygiene
Regression in developmental tasks such as bedwetting and thumb-sucking
No reaction to physical pain at times

Socially

Isolated, without friends
Difficulty trusting others
Poor conflict resolution skills
May be extremely passive or aggressive

Behaviorally

Act out or withdraw
Underachiever or over achiever
Refusal to go to school
Care-taking of others
Attention-seeking behaviors

Cognitively (what they are learning)

To blame others for their behavior
To have a negative self-concept
Not to ask for what they need
To feel anger is bad
To believe it's OK to hit the people you love
To get what you want regardless of the cost
To use violence as a way to control others.
To view violence as an appropriate way to resolve conflicts.

How Can You Help?

Set Clear limits. Let the child know your rules and limits. Be consistent in how you reward success and deal with misbehavior.
Be honest. A child may want you to "fix" a family problem. Let them know what you can or cannot do to help. Don't make promises that you can't keep.
Help reduce stress. A child from a violent home is under a lot of stress Create a calm, save environment with soft music and "quiet times."
Encourage play. Help a child break free from the isolation. Provide lots of opportunities for play especially with other children.
Promote healthy self-expression. Teach the child to express feelings through talking, writing, drawing, and music--not violence.
Teach self-control. Help the child stay in control when he or she is angry or frustrated (by counting to 20, taking a time-out, breathing slowly, etc.)
Build self-esteem. Encourage the child to believe that he or she is worthy of love, not abuse. Offer choices--and guide the child to making the right decisions.

Getting Help

Battering usually gets worse with time. The survivor must recognize the problem and seek help. It's hard to leave. People who are abused usually feel sad, alone, or even crazy. They may blame themselves. But no one deserves to be battered. There are places to go to get help. The violence can be stopped. Call the Crisis Line or visit the Crisis Intervention Services Office.